permanence

Hello, bloggersphere, it’s been awhile. I’m endeavouring to write this piece in one hour before I start my mad run of errands, so apologies for the poor proofreading.

Firstly, an update:
I’m now employed. I went for an interview for my dream job the same day I received a job offer from another company I applied for last year. I wasn’t successful in the first round of offers for Company and, to be honest, I didn’t have a very pleasant interview experience due to reasons that were in my control and out of. I won’t know the outcome of Dream Job til the end of March, and at the time, Company was offering 9-day fortnights for a year contract. They have since taken back a lot of what they’d originally promised me and, unfortunately, because jobs are somewhat of a rarity in these parts, I still accepted it. I start tomorrow. I should really be more excited about this, but the circumstances around it have made it both bittersweet and annoyingly frustrating.

I had a conversation with BugLite the other night about permanence. Both of us have agreed that we’re ready for it, and we’ve been ready for it for a few years now. In more ways than one, when compared to our friends, we’re the last couple to really ‘settle down’.

Before BugLite came into the picture, I was content living my life a day at a time – different jobs, different uni degrees, different boys/men, different places to live. I never really called one place ‘home’, and I relished in the notion that I didn’t know what was going to happen to me the next day, month, or year, and I slept better at night without the sense of worry eclipsing my thoughts. I’ll never forget the words uttered by the last guy who dumped me, “There’s just something I don’t know about you. You’re reckless and selfish, and you don’t know where you’re going in life. I’m not comfortable with that.” My 22-year-old self retaliated with drunken nights and a few one-night stands, but in hindsight, I believe that I needed someone who would grow with me without judgement and not just reprimand me for not filling the social norms.

When I met BugLite, we were in the same place in life, and despite the somewhat long and tortuous road to relationshipdom, the last eight years have been filled with growth, and we’ve remained on par with each other. We still want the same things in life for our relationship and for our personal growth. We want our own place (rented or bought, just our own space), successful careers, a Staffy dog and some children. Somewhere in there, we’ll get around to getting married, too. We want something permanent in our lives.

I’m a firm believer that ‘patience is a virtue’, but lately, it’s being tested to its brink. Friends have said it’s just because of my biological clock, and though there may be some truth in that, I’ve experienced enough of life to not regret anything I’ve done or the path that I’ve taken. In some ways, I see friends now whose relationships are starting to fall apart, or going through their own self-realisations, and I mean no disrespect to them, but I don’t see why they should judge where I am in my own life. Time and people change, the challenge is how you deal with it. Everyone has the freedom of choice regardless of any external influences, at the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with those choices for the rest of your life. To me, that’s how I define happiness and success. My craving for permanence is just a barrier that needs to be worn down with resilience and optimism.

dm

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2 thoughts on “permanence

  1. Congrats on your job! I’m in a similar boat, but it’s hard to say no to money, isn’t it? As long as you don’t stop aiming for that dream job. If not that dream job, another dream job will come along.

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